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Welcome to the page that will really annoy musicians every where, yep the page that makes fun of musicians, enjoy the jokes & if you know any email them across to us. Remember - They asked how many musician jokes are there were ? Just one - all the rest are true. (and I should know ) Q: Why did
they invent keyboards? Q: How do
you make a guitar sound beautiful? Q: Why did
the drummer have a heart attack? Q: What do
a Guitar and a lawsuit have in common? Q: Why are
a pianist's fingers like lightning? Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute? Q: You are
in a room with Sadam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and James Blunt. You
have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
How To Play And Sing The
Blues.
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got
a good woman" is not a good way to begin the Blues unless
you stick something nasty with it like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues
is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 'bout 500 pound." 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch ... and there ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: an old Chevy, Ford, or Cadillac ... and broken-down old trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' is a major part of the blues lifestyle. So is fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in 7. Blues can take place in anyplace in clinical depression. places to have the Blues. And you cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get no rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. However, a woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator chomped on it, is. 9. You can't have the Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot and sit by a dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass/bottle
Bad places for
the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League colleges d. golf courses
11.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit ... 'less
of
course you happen to be an old ethnic person ... and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. you shot a man in d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in d. you have a 401K or trust fund 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can never sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Poor, ugly white people get a leg up in the blues. 14. If you ask for whiskey and your darlin' give you water, that's the Blues. Acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast
15. If death
occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun house, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is also a Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken- down old cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues
names for women:
a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. 17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. pick a name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. add
the name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, etc..) c. add the last name of President (
Examples: Blind Lemon 20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues. Q. Why do singers smile during lightning storms? A. They think their pictures being taken. Q. Why don't they let bass players have coffee breaks? A. It takes too long to retrain them. Q. What do Keyboard Players & UFO's have in common? A. You always hear about them but you never see them. Q. How do you get a twinkle in a singers eye? A. Shine a torch in their ear. Q. Hear about the drummer who got an AM radio?; A. Took them a month to release they could play it at night. Q. How do you make a guitarist laugh on Saturday? A. Tell them a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? A: You'd take off your shoes before you jumped up and down on a trampoline. Q. Why did the singer stare at the frozen orange juice? A. Because it said 'Concentrate' Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm? A: A tattoo. Q. What do you call a group of drummers standing in a circle? A. A dope ring. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing? A: Put notes on it! q: Why do rock bands have roadies? a: To act as interpreters for the drummer. Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A: Give him a sheet of music. Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Get the drummer to do it. Q: "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" A: "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer." Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money! Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? A: The bass player notices. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning... Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back. Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list. Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...~
Q: If a hundred dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get to it first? A: The drummer with bad time of course. The other three don't exist. Q: why is a laundromat a bad place for a musician to pick up women? A: Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q: What's the difference between a singer and a pit bull? A: The jewelry. Q: Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf? A: To keep them from grazing. Q:
what's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large
pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". Q: What's the difference between a singer and a piranha? A:
The lipstick. Q:
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers. Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q:
How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future? Q:
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a Singers car? A:
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. Q:
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A:
A music critic. Q:
What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A:
You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Q:
What do you throw to a drowning guitar player? A: His amp.
Q: A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with A Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" A: "This is a travel agency." Q:
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A:
None-- they just steal someone else's light. Alternate
Answer: 5-- One to change the bulb
and 4 do watch him and say "I can do better than that." Alternate
Answer:
Only one-- but he'll go
though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Q: What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? A: They both suck without Cream. Q:
what do a folk guitar and a lawsuit have in common? A:
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q:
What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin? A:
Who cares - neither one's a guitar! Q:
The definition of Perfect Pitch? A:
Throwing a bass guitar in the toilet and not hitting the rim.
Q:
What's the best way to play a bass guitar? A:
With a hack saw. Q:
What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO? A:
You can negotiate with the PLO. Q:
Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock? A: Because most shops close by six thirty. Q:
Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners? A:
So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q:
What's the difference between a guitarist and a puppy? A:
The puppy will stop whining after a couple of mo Q:
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes. Q:
What do you call a drummer with a high school diploma? A:
A genius! Q:
What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family. Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!"sp They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!" a: The stage is level. Q:
Johnny to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up! Q: What do you say to a vocalist in a three-piece suit? A: "Will the defendant please rise?" Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. A: Both suck when you plug them in.Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A: A DrummerQ: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? A: The knock always slows down.Q: Why do bands have bass players? A: To translate for the drummerQ: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the vocalist please come to the stage!" The annoying drums joke - This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there,he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep." The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop. ""Why?" - "When drums stop...bass solo begins." Q: What's the difference between a vocalist and a Porsche? A: Most vocalists have never been in a porscheQ: What's the difference between a vocalist and a chain saw? A: The chain saw has greater dynamic range.Q: What's the first thing a musician says at work? A: Would you like fries with that?" Q:
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Q: What is the difference between a Bass guitarist and a Savings Bond? A:
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Get the drummer to do it. Q.
What's the last thing a stripper does with her asshole before she
goes to work? Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list. Q:
How do you make your mom drive really fast? Q:
What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist? Q:
What's the similarity between a drummer and premature ejaculation? Q:
What's the definition of "waste"? Q:
What would you call fifty Guitarists underwater? Q:
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? Q.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q.
What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common? Q.
What do you get if you cross a Bass Guitarist with a gorilla? Q.
Hey, did you hear about the Keyboardist who finished high school? Q.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? If
a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter
Bunny, Santa
Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were
standing in the corners, who would get the money? ~Why Guitars are better than Men: ~
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: 'Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!' Top Ten Reasons why Drumming is Better Than Sex 10.
It lasts longer ~Why guitars are better than women: ~
Q.
What do you tell a drummer with two black eyes? General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums." From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer." Q: What's does a stripper do with her asshole right before she goes to work? A: Drop him off at rehearsal. Q: What did the drummer ask the singer? A: "Do you want this too fast or too slow?" Q: What does a drummer say right before he gets fired? A: "How about if we play one of my original tunes?" Those were the best jokes now the dodgy ones. "Beethoven had an ear for music." Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? Because he's Haydn! What
'60s music group can kill germs?
The Bleach
Boys! Opera
is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding,
he sings. Q:
If the guys in Big & Rich were nagging miners, what would they
do? And finally Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older" and missing those great old tunes . Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER" The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP" Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH" Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS" Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE" Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW" Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER" Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM" Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS" Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR" Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING" The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE" ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN' If you have any good musician jokes send them across.
This page was last updated on 17/02/08 . Web Design by the Geezer
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